There are many reasons a person becomes a single mother. The loss of life is one of them. I have been a single parent since my son was five-years-old. His father passed away at the young age of 23. Parenting itself is difficult. Dealing with grief and knowing the other parent will never return is its own animal.
When I was going through this I didn’t know anyone facing a similar situation, so I had no guidance on what to do next. What I do know now is that as a single mom you absolutely have what it takes to raise your child even if you feel lost and as if you don’t know what you're doing.
There are resources available for you and your child and a certain mindset that will help you get through the bad moments and days.
#1 There Is Money Available For You And Your Child
Of all the things you and your child are going through, money may be the least of your worries. It may feel selfish for even thinking about what financial assistance is available for you. Let’s get this out of the way before diving into the other topics.
Whether you were married to your child’s father or not, there are financial resources available. Social Security has Survivor’s Benefits for widows, widowers and the dependents of the deceased.
Unlike many government programs, there are not many hoops to jump through in order to get your benefits started. They ask for basic information and a few documents and will start your benefits in a relatively short time. These benefits can also be direct deposited into your bank account each month.
These benefits will continue until your child is 18-years-old or 22-years-old if they have a disability. Benefits do not continue if your child is attending college.
To find out more visit the website: https://www.ssa.gov/forms/ssa-4.html
Or contact your local social security office.
*Note: There are income restrictions, but you may still qualify
#2 Free or Low-Cost Emotional Support
Did you know there are camps available for children who lost a parent or immediate family member? I know, it doesn’t sound like fun. A camp full of people dealing with loss. Wait! It isn’t what you think!
Bereavement camps are for children 17 years of age and younger who have suffered the loss of a parent and/or sibling. The camp is overnight and usually lasts about 3 days. While they do have group sessions dealing with the loss they also have a lot of fun activities like kayaking, talent shows and storytelling by a campfire. The overall experience is a lot of fun and healing occurs there as well.
Parents of children attending the camp may also attend. Camps I’ve looked into were either free or about $30 (I attended about 10 years ago, but it is still very cheap). Food is provided at no additional cost.
Going through the loss of the other parent and becoming a permanent single parent can feel very lonely if you don’t know anyone else going through something similar. Camps like these help you and your child to see that it isn’t just you going through such a hard time and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Attending the camp was one of the best things I could have ever done for my son. To find a camp near you, Google bereavement camps for children or check out this link: https://childrengrieve.org/find-support/camps
#3 Embrace The Good And Bad Days
There is no rule book to parenting (if there is and you have it, make copies!) and there is no rule book to being the surviving parent either. There will be good days and bad days for you and your child. There will be moments in which your child is expressing their grief and you feel at a loss with how to help them.
Before we suffered this loss I thought my job as a mother was to fix anything that went wrong for my child. There was and is no way to “fix” the loss of a parent. What was I supposed to do? What are you supposed to do?
There will be some moments when all you can do is sit by your child, hug them or tell them you understand. You’ll want to cry too. You may feel like you can’t cry because you have to be strong for them. Remember, your tears are not enemies. You can cry with your child. You are showing them that this is a normal and natural response. You are showing them how to properly deal with grief and to not keep things bottled up.
There will be other times you can tell a funny story about dad or reminisce on a fun time they had together. If your child has no memories of dad, talk to them about who he was or positive similarities they share.
Your child is relying on you to keep dad’s memory alive. I know this can be extremely hard for you, but the memories will help you down the line as well.
Embrace your own good and bad days as well.
Years after my spouse passed, I found it helpful to write him a letter. I felt every emotion after his passing. I missed him so deeply. I also felt very angry.
“How could you leave me to do this alone?!” “How could you leave our son?!”
All the emotions you go through are normal. Writing him a letter expressing my feelings was very therapeutic. I’ve written happy, sad and angry letters. I sifted through my feelings and was eventually led to a place of healing.
I don’t want to be unrealistic. There are still days that sadness comes over me, but there are more days that I can look back on his life with joy.
Do what works for you. Writing, therapy, single mom groups and more. Know that you are not alone and that healing can come in many ways.
#4 Art For Dad
There are many different ways to keep dad’s memory alive. One I am very fond of is the memory ball. It is simple and very cheap.
We had a big bag of rubber bands that belonged to his dad (no idea why he had so many) and we used them to make a ball. With every rubber band we added we would discuss a great memory we had with dad. We did this over the course of a few months and eventually came up with a pretty decent-sized ball. We keep this ball in a highly visible place in the house and reflect back on him when we pass it.
This may be a good activity for you and your children or maybe you relive your experiences in a different way. Share in the comments for me and the other mamas.
#5 Yes, You Can
Being a single mother can feel impossible. It may feel like you don’t have the tools necessary to raise a child by yourself. You do! There is a special connection between a mother and her child. There’s almost this sort of knowing that comes over us in the most difficult situations. You may feel lost, but you will figure out what to do next. There isn’t a perfect parent among us and a lot of this is trial and error. Do what you think is best for your child and then reassess.
For the longest time, I felt like I was falling short of what my child needed. I cried countless tears and felt like an absolute failure. However, when I was done throwing my solo pity party, I’d get up and do the next best thing. That’s life. Realize your shortcomings and then get up and do the next best thing.
You have what it takes to raise this child. Having his father here would have made life so much easier, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t raise an amazing child. Many have done it before you, so know that it is possible for you too!
What tips and resources do you have for the single mama tribe? Comment below.
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